when i see art that i love

I’m often at a loss for words when I see art that I love. For me, it is that particular moment when you finish a book, or a film, you loved so much that you sit there with that feeling. You hold it. You somehow feel both completely seen and completely alone at the same time.

When I have that song, that painting, that book that made me feel this way, I like to keep it close to myself. Sometimes opening up about the art you love to the cavalier opinions of others can feel like you’re being careless with something you’re meant to protect. You understand it. You get it. So, you cherish it.

It’s a magical thing when you find other people that understand an aspect of you that some people don’t get. You realize that you weren’t wrong. It wasn’t wrong to love the art that you love, do the thing you’re trying to do, or be the person you’re trying to be. There are people out there that got that same feeling you had, the one you couldn’t put into words, and they get you without you even having to explain it.

I’ve become deeply interested in investigating these feelings of belonging. I used to think that I painted as an equal and opposite reaction to being a software developer. I used to think that I needed to loosely push liquid color on a surface because another part of me loved to dig through lines of code to find the broken logic. However, in February, I spent the whole month trying to write my artist statement. I dug deeper. It didn’t seem quite right… I have this innate need to paint. It’s something I know I’ll always need to do for the rest of my life. A feeling that strong couldn’t just come from a reaction to my day job. I needed to figure out why I make the art that I make.

I realized that there has always been this sense of rebellion and empowerment that I get from being a painter. I’ve always been irritated, as many people are, by being put in a box… defined in any limiting capacity. If you’re a software developer, you can’t be an artist. If you’re klutzy, you can’t be athletic. If you’re rational, you can’t care about beautiful things. I am -by far- most likely to do something after someone implies that I can’t do it.¹

It helps you feel free to defy others’ expectations of you because it makes you feel like others’ definitions, limitations, and rules have absolutely no power over you. If you want to do something, do it… regardless of if others think you can. In fact, especially if they think you can’t. There’s no better feeling.

¹ This can be to a fault, like the time my dad told me it would be far to swim across a very cold lake. So, naturally, I immediately dove in to swim across in response. I almost didn’t make it due to the temperature… it wasn’t my brightest moment. Stay safe out there.

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